I’ve had bouts of craziness since become pregnant, but most have been rather quick and usually only toward my husband (poor guy). But last Thursday hit and I have not been able to shake it off. I wasn’t feeling well last Friday so I stayed home and was able to relax a little and feel a little better. I washed some of the baby bedding and piddled around in Baby’s room.
Then Saturday hit. Kevin and I went to our all day child birthing class. He was much more excited about it than I was. The nurse told us what to expect, showed us how to breathe, showed some diagrams and some old videos of women in labor and giving birth. I felt like crying through all of the videos. Part of it was precious of Mom’s getting to hold their newborns. The other part was plain scary! The thing about childbirth is that people can describe it all they want, but you really have no idea until it happens to you. And for whatever reason, I am more scared now than I have ever been. People share their stories (and everyone has a story) but it doesn’t mean anything until you go through it. And why is it that everyone feels the need to share their horror stories with pregnant women? By the time we left the class I felt less prepared, scared to death, and no clue of what I wanted to happen on birth day (except for Baby to miraculously appear in my arms with no pain whatsoever.) Stupid Eve.
As we left I was trying really hard to hold back tears. We got in the car and I tried to explain to Kevin what I was feeling. Instead, I became sensitive to his response feeling like he wasn’t trying to understand my feelings. I snapped at him and burst into tears. I sobbed from the 15 interchange to Central Avenue. Poor guy didn’t know what else to do but hold my hand; which made me cry more.
One of my biggest concerns is pain management. Everyone has an opinion, and will gladly share it with you. I know I don’t want to do intravenous pain management. Personally, I don’t want anything passing on to Baby. And even though the doc said they have medications to reverse the effects on Baby, I feel like I am just putting medications on top of medications. It’s just not the choice for me and our baby. I’m still not sure how I feel about the epidural. I’m not opposed to it because I have no idea what to expect. But with as crazy as I am now, I feel like if you confine me to a bed, I might go more insane. I want to have the option to stand up, even if I never take it. With as sensitive as my body is, I really don’t want to deal with a catheter and all the side effects that follow it.
For me, the most important is to keep an open mind. I keep hearing our pre-marriage counselor in my head “You don’t even know what you don’t know.” Which, of course, stresses me out a little more. My favorite analogy so far has been “It’s like a test you can’t study for so don’t even try.” Not knowing when Baby is actually coming is killing me. At this point, I’m almost ok if Baby doesn’t come until Labor Day; as long as he or she isn’t more than a week early I’ll be fine (not really, but I am trying to convince myself of such). Although I am trying to come to terms with the fact that Baby could come in September even though all this time I have had August in my head.
I have sort of come to terms with the fact that I may be this crazy for the rest of my pregnancy. When the woman in the parking lot at lunch pulled in and made it difficult for me to back out, I lost it a little yelled . . . and then started crying. Ugh. It's probably good for my office that I only have a week and a half of work left. Pray for Kevin; he has been so good and patient, but I know he misses the normality of me being just slightly insane.
The crazy is so normal- just want you to know you're not alone! Birth IS scary! The unknown things our of our ARE SCARY!
ReplyDeleteBut praise God that he gives us promises like:
Thou will keep in perfect peace him whose mind is stayed on you, because he trusted in you. Is 26:3
and
"Do not be anxious about ANYTHING (even when it seems like you have every right to be), but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.
(Focus on the positive)
Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things.
Everything WILL be OK...
I won't try to tell you what is best for you.
Like you said, everyone has a story & both of mine include amazingly easy epidural experiences.
I'm too scared not to use the epi, but I know tons of women who want to do it "all natural" & loved it.
Whatever you decide, it can change during the birth anyway! Like you said- a test you can't study for! Keep an open mind & give yourself permission to change your mind about anything you previously decided. There are no "bad" deliveries! However the baby gets out safely = good delivery!
My only suggestion is to control what YOU can. Prepare to bring things that make you relaxed (I had a long ipod play list of praise songs that relaxed me that totally helped), games to play if you're waitin' around, or do decide on the epi, Laptop - seriously- I got on line... I played games... you could watch DVDs... bring snacks you like, especially for after, GUM or hard candy to suck on, and surround yourself with people who make you laugh, & ease your stress.
Just some suggestions from one mama to another!
Try to relax my baby girl. I can't tell you what will happen because everyone is different. But I can tell you that when they place that precious baby in your arms whatever pain you felt will be worth it because having a baby is the best feeling in the world. When I held you the first time it was as if time stopped. I can't explain the joy that filled me but I know you will have the same joy.
ReplyDeleteI know what you're saying about people telling you their horror stories while you're pregnant. I had quite a few that freaked me out. I also was scared after the birth class. Try to focus on holding your baby in your arms when it's all over and it will get you through. You'll know what to do when the time comes. Let your body do it's thing. Can't wait to see pictures of Baby.
ReplyDeleteI know I can't say anything profound to comfort you, but I can at least say I wish there were something I could say. You have every "right" to feel what you're feeling and only you can make the decisions that are going to affect you and Baby. The good thing is, no matter what you choose, God is ultimately in control and will see you through. He is faithful and, despite Eve's indiscretion, is the ultimate source of comfort. I love you and wish I could be around to give you a big hug!
ReplyDelete