2009 in Review: End of 28 Days

I am constantly reminded of God’s perfect plan, and as Pastor Neal spoke about (and Garth Brooks sings about), what we desire and pray for could actually end up hurting us.

In 2001, Kevin tried out for the Cal Poly Pomona soccer team. He should have made it. He is an excellent player, but was out of shape and Coach couldn’t see the potential in Kevin. But the head men’s soccer coach at CBU saw the potential. He was recruited last minute to come play with CBU. And yes, Kevin’s awards for soccer at CBU were cool, but the awesome thing is that God saved him through soccer. If Kevin had made the team at Pomona, he would not have come to CBU, a school he couldn’t afford, and he may never have met Christ. And he and I surely wouldn’t have met. A year and a half after Kevin started at CBU I started dating one of his teammates. I really liked Brandon and but it just wasn't right, but for some reason, we remained friends. And in 2005, after 2 years of pushing from Brandon, Kevin finally asked me out. If things had turned out with the way I wanted them to back in college, I would not be with the love of my life. A true blessing from God. As a side note to that, Brandon married a wonderful woman I can call a true friend. We hope and pray for things we don’t truly understand but God has a perfect plan for us.

If my new friend had gotten pregnant when she first wanted to, I would not have seen her blog and felt the overwhelming need to pray for her. If she hadn’t emailed me back and opened up more about the personal things she was experiencing, I may have considered myself to have been crazy and stopped searching for what God was trying to show me. Through her openness I am seeking out what it means to have complete faith in His promises and to consider Him trustworthy. One small change from how things played out and I may have given up on this seemingly simply journey. I truly feel transformed on the inside. I feel as if a wall has come down and I can truly feel His closeness and His presence. I feel His prompting. I am still learning to obey, but the change has begun.

When I first decided (or God told me, however you want to look at it) to pray for two women in my church for a dedicated amount of time, 28 days seemed such an odd number. I wasn’t quite sure where it came from. Most people would say 30 or 31 as it is a full month. But 28 days is a typical female cycle and it just made sense. What I didn’t know at the time was what things would come together at 28 day. On day 28 of my prayer journey, Kevin left for Canada for two months for the final leg of his internship. I was very, very sad as I love my husband very much. But I wasn’t devastated. I found comfort in God and His presence in a way I haven’t before, and can’t seem to explain. Additionally, through these 28 days I have been able to connect with Kevin on a deeper level . . . through Christ. He has been so supportive of me as I seem to have cried every day this month. But being able to share my thoughts and prayers has connected us in a new way, and for that, I am very grateful.

What struck me as the most odd was church on Sunday. When I found out the plan for the next Sunday's service, I groaned to myself. An all music service? It just seemed so easy to skip out on. In my mind, I wouldn’t be missing anything. But on Sunday morning as I lay in bed debating whether to get up or not, I really felt God tell me this was the wrap up of the past four weeks. God spoke to me through a lot of different songs these past four weeks. I’ve never been a big fan of Christian radio, but wow, I was often moved to tears in the car as I listened to the radio. I knew that this was now my time to bring glory back to God for all the things he had been showing me a teaching me. I listen to the words on Sunday, and felt my heart respond.

But the song the breaks me every time is Everything by Tim Hughes.

God in my living
There in my breathing
God in my waking
God in my sleeping
God in my resting
There in my working
God in my thinking
God in my speaking

Be my everything
Be my everything
Be my everything
Be my everything

God in my hoping
There in my dreaming
God in my watching
God in my waiting
God in my laughing
There in my weeping
God in my hurting
God in my healing

Christ in me
Christ in me
Christ in me
the hope of glory
You are everything

Christ in me
Christ in me
Christ in me
the hope of glory
Be my everything

I love that after hoping and dreaming comes watching and waiting. After hurting, healing. No matter what emotion I am feeling, Christ is in me and He is all I need. It took a long time for me to get to the point where I truly feel He is all I need. I’m still working on Him being all I want.

I do, however, want to bring Him glory in everything I say and do.

I will continue to struggle with doubt; not that He can do, but He will do. But through the encouragement of the emails I have received from these two women, I am allowing/waiting for healing whenever I feel disappointment. I am learning not to take the easier route of preparing for the worst to protect myself from the blow of disappointment. My prayer is that we can continue to see Him as that amazing Father who picks us up to hold us close when we are hurting. To maintain that innocence of trusting his bigger plan not knowing any other way.

2009 In Review: Doubt

As I sat in church that Sunday morning in mid-July, listening to Justin Pardee speak, I realized that I didn't have a problem believing that God could do miracles, but that He would do them. Doubt had taken over my faith. I wrestled with it for quite a few weeks and even posted a tiny blurb about it in August.

This was my prayer that Sunday.


Lord, this journey I am on is like nothing I have ever experienced. I am hearing and feeling Your Spirit like never before. Today during the sermon I really felt that you have brought me on this journey to overcome my doubt and fully rely on you. The awesome thing is it isn't even about Kevin and I not being pregnant. The only thing my lack of pregnancy has meant was that I would find a new connection to people her at Sandals. After the sermon I knew I had to find the friend I was praying for and I wasn't exactly sure why. Thank you for her words of encouragement. I know her journey is very different from mine but that you are working in both of us uniquely and yet intertwined. Thank you for speaking through her today.

Help me to continue to trust and learn that your plan is perfect. Help me to recognize your glory in everything around me. Today Justin asked us, if your pain and grief could reach/help/touch one person, would you be willing to go through it? My friend was obedient. She answered your call to be real. Through her obedience, I have been brought to you. To learn and grow and be touched by you. The funny/ironic/ just totally you thing is that she referenced this today without even hearing the sermon yet. She knew her struggle was meant to help someone else.

She and I both seek healing on two very different levels. Mine from doubt. I didn't doubt miracles could happen, but as Justin mentioned today, it just seemed to fall into the "crazy" category. Before last week I really struggled with how you would use or speak to me. I know this is not my final journey, but one hill I must climb. Today I trust you with her healing. In some regards Lord, this is her miracle. I have always struggled with the balance of praying for Your will and asking for anything in your name. I don't know if it was doubt or lack of understanding. Whatever it is, I am willing to accept that I will never fully understand how you work; the beautiful mystery of who you are.

I pray for the child you have designed for my friend. I pray you heal her body. I praise you for the protection you have brought her. You have protected and strengthened her marriage, something we know comes from You alone. You have protected her spirit; she is bruised but not broken. I pray for further protection. I pray that you protect her body and mind. Heal her body. Continue to prepare her for what you have designed. Lord, we know you orchestrate everything and you have brought both of us to this point where our paths have crossed. The picture I have in my mind is our individual paths have become parallel for the time being; not that the road or journey is the same, but where they line up for a little while until you direct us to our next point. Continue to speak to us individually for the next step on our journeys.


After church today I heard the song Whatever You're Doing. I heard this song for the first time back in February but it meant so much more today. Even though the words are not originally mine, they express my prayer to you today.

It's time for healing
time to move on
it's time to fix what's been broken too long

Time to make right what has been wrong;
it's time to find my way to where I belong

There's a wave that's crashing over me,
and all I can do is surrender
Whatever You're doing inside of me
It feels like chaos, but somehow there's peace
And it's hard to surrender to what I can't see,
but I'm giving in to something heavenly
Time for a milestone, time to begin again,
re-evaluate who I really am
Am I doing everything to follow Your will
or just climbing aimlessly over these hills?
So show me what it is You want from me
I give everything - I surrender

Time to face up, clean this old house
Time to breathe in and let everything out
that I've wanted to say for so many years
Time to release all my held back tears

Whatever You're doing inside of me
It feels like chaos, but I believe …
You're up to something bigger than me
Larger than life, something heavenly

Whatever You're doing inside of me
It feels like chaos, but now I can see
This is something bigger than me
Larger than life
Something heavenly, something heavenly

Time to face up, clean this old house
Time to breathe in and let everything out

Lord, thank you for the peace amidst the chaos. Thank you for your promise of comfort.

Here Comes Goodbye

I miss Guin today. It happens at odd times. There was nothing that I can recall to bring on the grief except that I am always an emotional mess. I sent a text to Bethany, she can always relate. We often miss Guin at the same time. It's kinda weird.

I also sent my dad a text. My dad lost his sister Marsha 28 years ago last month. Idiot drunk driver ran a red light. They were coming home from Vacation Bible School. It's my dad that told me grief doesn't get better, it just gets different. I have held on to that as my own. It helps me.

Dad text back that he was listening to "Here Comes Goodbye" by Rascal Flatts. It was odd timing of my text. But it was comforting for some reason.

So when I got to my computer, I looked up the lyrics.

I can hear the truck tires coming up the gravel road
And it's not like her to drive that slow, nothing's on the radio
Footsteps on the front porch, I hear my doorbell
She usually comes right in, now I can tell

Here comes goodbye
Here comes the last time
Here comes the start of every sleepless night
The first of every tear I'm gonna cry

Here comes the pain
Here comes me wishing things had never changed
And she was right here in my arms tonight
But here comes goodbye

I can hear her say "I love you" like it was yesterday
And I can see it written on her face that she had never felt this way
One day I thought I'd see her with her daddy by her side
And violins would play Here Comes The Bride

But here comes goodbye
Here comes the last time
Here comes the start of every sleepless night
The first of every tear I'm gonna cry

Here comes the pain
Here comes me wishing things had never changed
And she was right here in my arms tonight
But here comes goodbye

Why's it have to go from good to gone?
Before the lights turn on
Yeah, and you're left alone
Oh! But here comes goodbye! Oh!

Here comes goodbye
Here comes the last time
Here comes the start of every sleepless night
The first of every tear I'm gonna cry

Here comes the pain
Here comes me wishing things had never changed
And she was right here in my arms tonight
But here comes goodbye, ooh

The lyrics are, in a way, up to interpretation. It could be a breakup song. But ultimately the song is about losing someone close to you.

Then I went to watch the video. I lost it. It appears to be a man and child in the afterlife and a girl and her mother struggling with the loss and grief that we all experience in this world. This mother wanted to protect her child from the grief and remember how she could hold her as a child.

Many thoughts run through my head. Guin. Her daughter Emma. Gareth. Guins family. Marsha. My cousins Christy and Julie. My Uncle Rick. My grandma. My grandpa. My father.

This post only took me six tissues.

Grief sucks.

Not better. Different.

Stagecoach

Last weekend (April 25 and 26) Kevin and I headed out to the desert (Indio) with two other couples for two days packed with country music; otherwise know as Stagecoach. I have to admit I was a little uncomfortable, I don't do well with extreme temperatures. It got up to 90 degrees during the day and dropped to 60 when the sun set. I'm a little bit of a baby, though. But the music was great. Darius Rucker was probably my favorite on Saturday. I really enjoyed his country music, and he brought back some Hootie music, too. But on Sunday, the best show had to have been Kid Rock. Explicit lyrics aside, he put on an awesome show. He played multiple instruments and sounds just as good live as he does recorded. Brad Paisley out on a great show playing great videos behind his performance. It really was cool! Unfortunately, we didn't get to see Kenny Chesney on Sunday night. We had to head back to Riverside and couldn't wait to stay through the 9:30 performance.

Keith Urban Concert

A couple of weeks ago my friend Megan offered me her extra ticket to see Keith Urban at the House of Blues on Sunset. She and her boyfriend each received two free tickets when the upgraded their phones with Verizon. They also got to do a meet-and-greet with Keith and get their picture taken. Because of the picture op, they were the first ones to enter the venue and save their place. So when Brittany and I (with the extra tickets) made it inside, Meagan and Tim had saved places right next to the stage for us. Needless to say, they small venue was one the best concerts I had ever been to. There wasn't a person in front of me! We had a great time. I seriously could have touched Keith Urban (I didn't because I think those girls are ridiculous). What an amazing gift -thanks Megan!

Plain White T's

Apparently The Plain White T's have been around for a while, I just had no idea who they were. I don't follow music much, I simply listen to whatever is on the radio. But this song is being played more and more, and I absolutely love it! It has the accoustical sound similar to what I think would sound like the Beatles or even the Wonders!




One, two

One, two, three, four

Give me more lovin' then I've ever had

Make it all better when I'm feelin' sad

Tell me that I'm special

Even when I know I'm not



Make me feel good when I hurt so bad

Barely gettin' mad

I'm so glad I found you

I love bein' around you

You make it easy



It's as easy as one, two

One, two, three, four



There's only one thing to do

Three words for you

(I love you)

I love you

There's only one way to say

Those three words

That's what I'll do

(I love you)

I love you



Give me more lovin' from the very start

Piece me back together when I fall apart

Tell me things

You never even tell your closest friends



Make me feel good when I hurt so bad

Best that I've had

I'm so glad I found you

I love bein' around you



You make it easy

It's as easy as one, two

One, two, three, four



There's only one thing to do

Three words for you

(I love you)

I love you



There's only one way to say

Those three words

That's what I'll do

(I love you)

I love you

(I love you)

I love you



You make it easy

It's as easy as one, two

One, two, three, four



There's only one thing to do

Three words for you

(I love you)

I love you

Music and Lyrics

I (along with my father) have never liked the term “Christian Music”. Music is sound and notes. Lyrics can have a Christian message, but music cannot. I grew up with piano and violin lessons and love music, all kinds. Even as I sit here typing, I have a light classical sound of Tchaikovsky in the back ground. I listen to music. I hear key changes and crescendos. I listen to music, thus I can’t really use music to distract me or put me to sleep. I believe music is very powerful and can change your emotion in a heartbeat. People get paid a lot of money to put the right music in a movie to make you feel what is happening. Because I listen to music, it has changed how I worship in church. I have had to teach myself to not be distracted by change in tempo or key. I often close my eyes in church, simply so I am not distracted by those around me.This isn’t for everyone, but I taught myself to listen to the words I was singing and what they meant, not what I felt from the music. If I felt close to God, or broken, or ashamed, I wanted it to be a true change in emotion by my thought and the words I was hearing or singing.

The second part to my idiosyncrasies of music is that I am easily irritated by modern cheesy so-called Christian lyrics. I like songs with depth. So when a teeny-bopper boy bands sings "I wanna know, wanna know what you were thinkin’ I can’t imagine why it didn’t even sink in They say you never know what you got till it’s gone", the only thing I am moved to do is change the channel. I am not saying everyone needs to adopt this view. Kevin loves Air1 and I am glad there is a positive alternative out there for people who need something different for themselves or their family.

But today on my way to work, every other station had someone ranting about the stimulus bill or the housing foreclosure bailout, and I switched my dial to Air1. (I guess radios don’t actually have dials anymore). This song came on and I was moved.

Sanctus Real - Whatever You’re Doing
From the album We Need Each Other

It’s time for healing, time to move on,
it’s time to fix what’s been broken too long
Time to make right what has been wrong;
it’s time to find my way to where I belong

Chorus:
There’s a wave that’s crashing over me,
and all I can do is surrender
Whatever You’re doing inside of me
It feels like chaos, but somehow there’s peace
And it’s hard to surrender to what I can’t see,
but I’m giving in to something heavenly

Time for a milestone, time to begin again,
re-evaluate who I really am
Am I doing everything to follow Your will
or just climbing aimlessly over these hills?
So show me what it is You want from me
I give everything – I surrender

Chorus:

Time to face up, clean this old house
Time to breathe in and let everything out
that I’ve wanted to say for so many years
Time to release all my held back tears
Whatever You’re doing inside of me
It feels like chaos, but I believe …

You’re up to something bigger than me
Larger than life, something heavenly

Whatever You’re doing inside of me
It feels like chaos, but now I can see
This is something bigger than me
Larger than life
Something heavenly, something heavenly

Time to face up, clean this old house
Time to breathe in and let everything out

I love the part where they say “Whatever you’re doing inside of me, it feels like chaos, but somehow there’s peace.” God works in amazing ways. He turns your life in every direction, but yet when you trust him and let him have control, there is still an overwhelming sense of peace. I have never been able to describe how two completely opposite feelings could be happening at the same time, and love how the artist describes it.

The artist asks himself and God “Am I doing everything to follow your will or just climbing aimlessly over these hills?” This is the question I have been working to the past few weeks. “God, am I doing everything you have planned for me or am I just going through the motions? What am I missing out of simply because I am not seeking you in every little thing I do.”

God uses everyday things to speak to us and today this song spoke to me.