2009 in Review: End of 28 Days

I am constantly reminded of God’s perfect plan, and as Pastor Neal spoke about (and Garth Brooks sings about), what we desire and pray for could actually end up hurting us.

In 2001, Kevin tried out for the Cal Poly Pomona soccer team. He should have made it. He is an excellent player, but was out of shape and Coach couldn’t see the potential in Kevin. But the head men’s soccer coach at CBU saw the potential. He was recruited last minute to come play with CBU. And yes, Kevin’s awards for soccer at CBU were cool, but the awesome thing is that God saved him through soccer. If Kevin had made the team at Pomona, he would not have come to CBU, a school he couldn’t afford, and he may never have met Christ. And he and I surely wouldn’t have met. A year and a half after Kevin started at CBU I started dating one of his teammates. I really liked Brandon and but it just wasn't right, but for some reason, we remained friends. And in 2005, after 2 years of pushing from Brandon, Kevin finally asked me out. If things had turned out with the way I wanted them to back in college, I would not be with the love of my life. A true blessing from God. As a side note to that, Brandon married a wonderful woman I can call a true friend. We hope and pray for things we don’t truly understand but God has a perfect plan for us.

If my new friend had gotten pregnant when she first wanted to, I would not have seen her blog and felt the overwhelming need to pray for her. If she hadn’t emailed me back and opened up more about the personal things she was experiencing, I may have considered myself to have been crazy and stopped searching for what God was trying to show me. Through her openness I am seeking out what it means to have complete faith in His promises and to consider Him trustworthy. One small change from how things played out and I may have given up on this seemingly simply journey. I truly feel transformed on the inside. I feel as if a wall has come down and I can truly feel His closeness and His presence. I feel His prompting. I am still learning to obey, but the change has begun.

When I first decided (or God told me, however you want to look at it) to pray for two women in my church for a dedicated amount of time, 28 days seemed such an odd number. I wasn’t quite sure where it came from. Most people would say 30 or 31 as it is a full month. But 28 days is a typical female cycle and it just made sense. What I didn’t know at the time was what things would come together at 28 day. On day 28 of my prayer journey, Kevin left for Canada for two months for the final leg of his internship. I was very, very sad as I love my husband very much. But I wasn’t devastated. I found comfort in God and His presence in a way I haven’t before, and can’t seem to explain. Additionally, through these 28 days I have been able to connect with Kevin on a deeper level . . . through Christ. He has been so supportive of me as I seem to have cried every day this month. But being able to share my thoughts and prayers has connected us in a new way, and for that, I am very grateful.

What struck me as the most odd was church on Sunday. When I found out the plan for the next Sunday's service, I groaned to myself. An all music service? It just seemed so easy to skip out on. In my mind, I wouldn’t be missing anything. But on Sunday morning as I lay in bed debating whether to get up or not, I really felt God tell me this was the wrap up of the past four weeks. God spoke to me through a lot of different songs these past four weeks. I’ve never been a big fan of Christian radio, but wow, I was often moved to tears in the car as I listened to the radio. I knew that this was now my time to bring glory back to God for all the things he had been showing me a teaching me. I listen to the words on Sunday, and felt my heart respond.

But the song the breaks me every time is Everything by Tim Hughes.

God in my living
There in my breathing
God in my waking
God in my sleeping
God in my resting
There in my working
God in my thinking
God in my speaking

Be my everything
Be my everything
Be my everything
Be my everything

God in my hoping
There in my dreaming
God in my watching
God in my waiting
God in my laughing
There in my weeping
God in my hurting
God in my healing

Christ in me
Christ in me
Christ in me
the hope of glory
You are everything

Christ in me
Christ in me
Christ in me
the hope of glory
Be my everything

I love that after hoping and dreaming comes watching and waiting. After hurting, healing. No matter what emotion I am feeling, Christ is in me and He is all I need. It took a long time for me to get to the point where I truly feel He is all I need. I’m still working on Him being all I want.

I do, however, want to bring Him glory in everything I say and do.

I will continue to struggle with doubt; not that He can do, but He will do. But through the encouragement of the emails I have received from these two women, I am allowing/waiting for healing whenever I feel disappointment. I am learning not to take the easier route of preparing for the worst to protect myself from the blow of disappointment. My prayer is that we can continue to see Him as that amazing Father who picks us up to hold us close when we are hurting. To maintain that innocence of trusting his bigger plan not knowing any other way.