As I sat in church that Sunday morning in mid-July, listening to Justin Pardee speak, I realized that I didn't have a problem believing that God could do miracles, but that He would do them. Doubt had taken over my faith. I wrestled with it for quite a few weeks and even posted a tiny blurb about it in August.
This was my prayer that Sunday.
Lord, this journey I am on is like nothing I have ever experienced. I am hearing and feeling Your Spirit like never before. Today during the sermon I really felt that you have brought me on this journey to overcome my doubt and fully rely on you. The awesome thing is it isn't even about Kevin and I not being pregnant. The only thing my lack of pregnancy has meant was that I would find a new connection to people her at Sandals. After the sermon I knew I had to find the friend I was praying for and I wasn't exactly sure why. Thank you for her words of encouragement. I know her journey is very different from mine but that you are working in both of us uniquely and yet intertwined. Thank you for speaking through her today.
Help me to continue to trust and learn that your plan is perfect. Help me to recognize your glory in everything around me. Today Justin asked us, if your pain and grief could reach/help/touch one person, would you be willing to go through it? My friend was obedient. She answered your call to be real. Through her obedience, I have been brought to you. To learn and grow and be touched by you. The funny/ironic/ just totally you thing is that she referenced this today without even hearing the sermon yet. She knew her struggle was meant to help someone else.
She and I both seek healing on two very different levels. Mine from doubt. I didn't doubt miracles could happen, but as Justin mentioned today, it just seemed to fall into the "crazy" category. Before last week I really struggled with how you would use or speak to me. I know this is not my final journey, but one hill I must climb. Today I trust you with her healing. In some regards Lord, this is her miracle. I have always struggled with the balance of praying for Your will and asking for anything in your name. I don't know if it was doubt or lack of understanding. Whatever it is, I am willing to accept that I will never fully understand how you work; the beautiful mystery of who you are.
I pray for the child you have designed for my friend. I pray you heal her body. I praise you for the protection you have brought her. You have protected and strengthened her marriage, something we know comes from You alone. You have protected her spirit; she is bruised but not broken. I pray for further protection. I pray that you protect her body and mind. Heal her body. Continue to prepare her for what you have designed. Lord, we know you orchestrate everything and you have brought both of us to this point where our paths have crossed. The picture I have in my mind is our individual paths have become parallel for the time being; not that the road or journey is the same, but where they line up for a little while until you direct us to our next point. Continue to speak to us individually for the next step on our journeys.
After church today I heard the song Whatever You're Doing. I heard this song for the first time back in February but it meant so much more today. Even though the words are not originally mine, they express my prayer to you today.
It's time for healing
time to move on
it's time to fix what's been broken too long
Time to make right what has been wrong;
it's time to find my way to where I belong
There's a wave that's crashing over me,
and all I can do is surrender
Whatever You're doing inside of me
It feels like chaos, but somehow there's peace
And it's hard to surrender to what I can't see,
but I'm giving in to something heavenly
Time for a milestone, time to begin again,
re-evaluate who I really am
Am I doing everything to follow Your will
or just climbing aimlessly over these hills?
So show me what it is You want from me
I give everything - I surrender
Time to face up, clean this old house
Time to breathe in and let everything out
that I've wanted to say for so many years
Time to release all my held back tears
Whatever You're doing inside of me
It feels like chaos, but I believe …
You're up to something bigger than me
Larger than life, something heavenly
Whatever You're doing inside of me
It feels like chaos, but now I can see
This is something bigger than me
Larger than life
Something heavenly, something heavenly
Time to face up, clean this old house
Time to breathe in and let everything out
Lord, thank you for the peace amidst the chaos. Thank you for your promise of comfort.
Bekah,
ReplyDeleteI appreciate your openness in sharing your struggles. You and your husband will certainly be in my prayers. I've written a bit about this on my blog as well. While my husband and I didn't struggle with infertility, we did suffer a miscarriage. It is just so hard to understand why God doesn't bless everyone with children, and yet, I know He uses our struggles for His glory. And I have already started seeing the way He has used our miscarriage as a witness of Him to others. So, press on, my friend. And know that no matter what happens in your life, God is using you to be a witness to others!