Present and Future

As I dream about the future I think of the things we will get to do as a family; the zoo, camping, excuses to go to a G rated movies, and things like that. I am excited for family game nights, trick-or-treating, and Christmas mornings. I was anxious and nervous about getting pregnant because I wasn’t sure if it would happen for us so I always looked farther to the future, at times not even thinking about the baby stage of my children. But in looking so far to the future, I neglected to dream and think about the pregnancy part of the process.

As I watch my belly grow, I am amazed at how God orchestrates everything. This little being is growing and changing inside of me. And God already knows His plan for our child. (I can’t even see what I am writing through my tears.) I have always loved Psalm 139, but it seems to have such deeper meaning now. Verse 15 and 16 read “My frame was not hidden from you when I was made in the secret place. When I was woven together in the depths of the earth, your eyes saw my unformed body. All the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be.” Even though I cannot see this little one, and can’t even feel the movements, God knows what comes next.

The phrase “His perfect timing” seems so cliché, but it could not be further from the truth. I praised God this morning for allowing me to carry this child. (More tears.) I don’t seem to have the words to express what I am feeling. I look in the mirror, see my growing belly, and still cannot believe this is all real. I never thought about what it would look like to be pregnant or how I would feel. I seem to be in more shock now than I was when we first found out.

God reminded me to slow down and live for today. I can be excited, and have hopes, dreams, and plans (which always end up changing anyway), but I need to cherish this moment. A couple of weeks ago I bought a little book to write down the things I want to remember from this pregnancy. It’s a fill in the blank and paste in the picture sort of thing, but it will be perfect. I am excited to save these things not only for me to reflect on but for my child to read one day as well. (There I go with the future again.) But I am excited for what is going on now. It’s almost a weird limbo stage; not knowing what is to come. By enjoying what is here and now, I am able to calm my spirit (a little) and prepare to be changed and stretched. As a wise man once told Kevin and me (Coach Rick York), “You don’t even know what you don’t know.” We were first told that phrase in the application of marriage, but it seems fitting again as we embark on this new journey. The wonderful thing is that Kevin and I get to do this together (crying again.) We get to lean on what another in a new type of partnership; parenting.