2009 In Review: Doubt

As I sat in church that Sunday morning in mid-July, listening to Justin Pardee speak, I realized that I didn't have a problem believing that God could do miracles, but that He would do them. Doubt had taken over my faith. I wrestled with it for quite a few weeks and even posted a tiny blurb about it in August.

This was my prayer that Sunday.


Lord, this journey I am on is like nothing I have ever experienced. I am hearing and feeling Your Spirit like never before. Today during the sermon I really felt that you have brought me on this journey to overcome my doubt and fully rely on you. The awesome thing is it isn't even about Kevin and I not being pregnant. The only thing my lack of pregnancy has meant was that I would find a new connection to people her at Sandals. After the sermon I knew I had to find the friend I was praying for and I wasn't exactly sure why. Thank you for her words of encouragement. I know her journey is very different from mine but that you are working in both of us uniquely and yet intertwined. Thank you for speaking through her today.

Help me to continue to trust and learn that your plan is perfect. Help me to recognize your glory in everything around me. Today Justin asked us, if your pain and grief could reach/help/touch one person, would you be willing to go through it? My friend was obedient. She answered your call to be real. Through her obedience, I have been brought to you. To learn and grow and be touched by you. The funny/ironic/ just totally you thing is that she referenced this today without even hearing the sermon yet. She knew her struggle was meant to help someone else.

She and I both seek healing on two very different levels. Mine from doubt. I didn't doubt miracles could happen, but as Justin mentioned today, it just seemed to fall into the "crazy" category. Before last week I really struggled with how you would use or speak to me. I know this is not my final journey, but one hill I must climb. Today I trust you with her healing. In some regards Lord, this is her miracle. I have always struggled with the balance of praying for Your will and asking for anything in your name. I don't know if it was doubt or lack of understanding. Whatever it is, I am willing to accept that I will never fully understand how you work; the beautiful mystery of who you are.

I pray for the child you have designed for my friend. I pray you heal her body. I praise you for the protection you have brought her. You have protected and strengthened her marriage, something we know comes from You alone. You have protected her spirit; she is bruised but not broken. I pray for further protection. I pray that you protect her body and mind. Heal her body. Continue to prepare her for what you have designed. Lord, we know you orchestrate everything and you have brought both of us to this point where our paths have crossed. The picture I have in my mind is our individual paths have become parallel for the time being; not that the road or journey is the same, but where they line up for a little while until you direct us to our next point. Continue to speak to us individually for the next step on our journeys.


After church today I heard the song Whatever You're Doing. I heard this song for the first time back in February but it meant so much more today. Even though the words are not originally mine, they express my prayer to you today.

It's time for healing
time to move on
it's time to fix what's been broken too long

Time to make right what has been wrong;
it's time to find my way to where I belong

There's a wave that's crashing over me,
and all I can do is surrender
Whatever You're doing inside of me
It feels like chaos, but somehow there's peace
And it's hard to surrender to what I can't see,
but I'm giving in to something heavenly
Time for a milestone, time to begin again,
re-evaluate who I really am
Am I doing everything to follow Your will
or just climbing aimlessly over these hills?
So show me what it is You want from me
I give everything - I surrender

Time to face up, clean this old house
Time to breathe in and let everything out
that I've wanted to say for so many years
Time to release all my held back tears

Whatever You're doing inside of me
It feels like chaos, but I believe …
You're up to something bigger than me
Larger than life, something heavenly

Whatever You're doing inside of me
It feels like chaos, but now I can see
This is something bigger than me
Larger than life
Something heavenly, something heavenly

Time to face up, clean this old house
Time to breathe in and let everything out

Lord, thank you for the peace amidst the chaos. Thank you for your promise of comfort.

Desructive Duo - Part 2

Just some of the recent destruction and havoc our precious boys have done.

Our fence is pretty old and poorly constructed, yet refuses to blow over on its own. Each of our neighbors have a dog that our boys are dying to play with.

We tried chicken wire.

There are bricks and cinder blocks surrounding the interior of our yard.

We replaced slats but it didn't hold too well.



For two weeks during the rain we left the boys inside. They did wonderfully until Friday of the second week. . . .





I was gone for an hours to the supermarket.

During this last crazy storm we locked the boys in the garage. They decided they didn't want pillows anymore.

2009 In Review: Prayer

When the Spirit told me to pray for these two women (and I truly believe this whole experience was a "God Thing"), I didn't realize how much. When He said every time you think of yourself, turn your thoughts to someone else, I didn’t realize how selfish and self absorbed I really was. The phrase "pray without ceasing" took on a whole new meaning for me. I began praying non-stop. When I first woke up until the time I closed my eyes at night, I was praying for and thinking about these two women God had laid on my heart; as I get ready, during my drive, at work, when I eat.

The funny thing was I have tried distracting myself with other things; TV, Internet surfing (I love Craig's List,) but it didn't work. When I tried music, but even songs remind me of the journey these women were on.

I remember one song "In My Arms" by Plumb. The song seems to be about a mother protecting her child, something these women desperately desired to be able to do. And yet as Christians we get to experience the love and protection of God. The bridge states that "castles might crumble and dreams may not come true" but God has promised His love and that He will never leave us. It's such a simple phrase and yet so powerful. My prayer turned to peace for these women. We are not promised much, if anything, of earthly things. Our lives may not turn out the way we dreamed them, but we know His plan is perfect. I prayed for peace with the direction God takes them know that a family was the desire even if the journey to that end was not the plan. I prayed for peace during the journey.

I have cried a lot during those 28 days of prayer. But the tears were not for me. God was changing my heart. My tears of joy, sorrow, frustration, and confusion were for these women and I can't explain the burden. It truly is a moving of the Spirit and like nothing I have experienced, ever. The devil has been coming strong though; questioning my motives and why I would take this on. A nagging question of prayer and it's power. I keep repeating "It's not about me." No human has been a part of this prompting - even my husband was a little surprised when I told him what I has been asked to do. Growing up, the only time we talked about the Spirit moving was when someone was making a decision to follow Christ for the first time. Hearing, feeling, and experiencing the Spirit's prompting is still a little awkward for me. I know this is a growing and stretching experience for me, but that, too, is not my motivator.

I pray that I continue to listen to the Spirit and His prompting. This was all so new and still a little scary. Through this whole thing, I felt like I sounded like I sound like a crazy person. Even if I never understand it, I can accept the beauty in the mysteries of our almighty God.

I remember feeling drained and filled all at the same time.

2009 In Review: Chruch and Blogging

For most of 2009, my church, Sandals Church, has been going through the book of John. It's been a long process, but has been amazing. This summer, there were a series of sermons on miracles. I've often struggled with miracles never having experienced one, or not recognizing it for what it was. For those of you that may not know, Kevin and I have been trying to get pregnant since last November. It's been a real struggle for me to trust God's perfect timing and still recognize that His plan is not my plan.

On July 5, 2009, Pastor Nathan Brown spoke about looking for a miracle in our lives. I immediately thought about our desire for a family. But the more I sat there, I realized that getting pregnant isn't a miracle. A miracle by definition is anything that can't otherwise be explained. Doctor's (most of the time) can explain why women get pregnant. We know the process and it can all be explained. It is definitely a wonder and something to be amazed at, but conception under normal circumstances is not a miracle.

However, Nathan did say something that day that seemed to haunt me. He said that he had been praying for healing for someone in our church for a long time but that God revealed to him that he was not the one that was to pray for the healing. So Nathan challenged us that we needed to be praying for others around us and those in our church. I realized how selfish I had become with my prayers for myself. When was the last time I actually spent time praying for someone else?

I immediately thought of two women in our church. I was compelled to reach out and pray for their healing. They had been very open and honest in their blogs about their struggle to get pregnant. I had been blog stalking these women for quite a while. One I knew better than the other, but we weren't friends you would call up to chat with. But their willingness to be open and honest with the things they were struggling with drew me to them.

Below is the email I sent that afternoon.

Blogging is such an interesting thing. You spill your guts online to your family and friends but at the same time post your life for the world to see. All the while, not really knowing who is reading it. And if you are like me you move from one blog to the other reading about the daily and weekly activities of random people. The longer you read someones blog, the more you feel like you know someone even though you don’t really ever hang out. Thus has become the story of how I became "connected" with you. I would never go so far as to say I know you or the struggles you experience, but the openness you have on your blog has drawn me to you.

My husband and I have been trying to get pregnant for almost 9 months now. It’s all so surreal how fast time moves. I had often thought about infertility before we started trying to get pregnant, but honestly didn’t ever think I would be in that category. Everyone in my family seems to be able to get pregnant before they really decide if they want to. I know I really just started trying and it may still happen for me. When I went off of birth control, I really expected to get pregnant right away; I’m not sure why. I know for many women, it takes a while to get pregnant. I was able to talk some with someone in our church who went through a period of infertility and felt very encouraged. But at the same time, I’m disappointed month after month. I know exactly what one woman in our church was talking about in one of her recent posts. Your body and mind begin to play tricks on you and you experience symptoms that aren't real.

I don’t just want to have a baby, I want to be a mother. And I can’t even begin to explain how I want to see my husband be a father. Unfortunately this obsession has begun to control all of my thoughts. I always know what day it is in my cycle and trying to find your ovulation period isn't exactly a piece of cake. I look for comfort in my husband all the while trying not to stress him out by putting the stress of ovulation onto him. So last week when Matt talked about asking for a miracle I immediately thought about pregnancy; remember I said it was always on the brain? But today when Nathan talked about asking God to heal the man in our church and that God told him he was not the one to pray for healing, I was really dumbfounded.

Now I know what I am about to say is slightly off topic from what the point of the sermon but it is where God took me today. I have been thinking about you more and more. I'm not sure if your physical body needs healing but I know that if you are anything like me, the struggle to get pregnant has taken a toll on your mental health. For the next 28 days, I will be fervently praying for you instead of myself. Every time I begin to think about how I would decorate the empty room in my house, or what names I like, I will be praying that God give you the desires of your heart. I will be praying for your marriage; that it continues to strengthen and that you will continue to fall in love with your husband more and more each day. I pray that you will let all unforgiveness and guilt and anger go. If your body needs healing, I pray that God bring that to you. I pray that you find peace.

I don't know if I am the one designed to pray for you but it can't hurt. I no longer want to be selfish in my prayers. I know it seems completely random, but there has to be a reason God has placed you on my heart.


This was just the beginning of the journey God took me on over the summer. I am excited to share it with you over the next few blog posts.

Late Night Snack

Tonight I was sitting in bed (watching re-runs of The Office) when I wanted something . . . I am totally my father's daughter. I remember him wandering the kitchen (most often on Sunday nights) opening cupboards and closing them. Then he would open the fridge, look around, close the door, and move back to the cupboards. Tonight I was he. I wanted something . . . I just didn't know what. I opted for the vanilla ice cream. Then I was suddenly inspired to make a milk shake. But I didn't want plain vanilla and didn't have any syrup in the fridge. Luckily, I found a can of Hershey Syrup in the cupboard. I'm not sure why I have the can, but I do remember buying it. Now I have a can of syrup, but no way to poke a hole in it. My mom always had a a can opener on the side of the fridge just like this one. She always used it to poke holes in can of juice and . . . cans of chocolate syrup! But I didn't have anything remotely close in my kitchen. My Kitchen-Aid can opener doesn't even have a bottle opener on the side. I even tried poking a hole in the can with a cork screw. Finally, I ended up taking the whole top off of the can and dipping a spoon in the can. After the ordeal of the can opener, I ended up with a wonderful chocolate milkshake!

Pizza and Beer

I picked up a pizza on the way home. Kevin picked up ice cream and root beer at the grocery store. It hit the spot. It was a great way to start the weekend after a pretty crazy week.

The best part was we had the floats in bed.

Day With Brendan

Before Christmas, Brendan came over for a visit. He loved the little car we inherited from someone from Kevin's Office.

Then we made sugar cookies.

Brendan just kept saying "Mmmmm."

I didn't realize he was tired until he laid down on the puppy's bed.

Dyllan the Pirate

This is Dyllan modeling his Christmas gift from us. Dyllan loves all things pirate and I found this kit a Borders (on clearance) and he loved it. It had a patch, an earring, a hat, an inflatable parrot and all kinds of other things pirate. I think we were more entertained than he was.