Baby Bug

I have to admit, I have been bit by the baby bug. I subscribe to furniture catalogs for children. I look at nursery ideas on the Internet. I cry at television ads that show daddies and little girls. I really do want children. So when two more friends announced their pregnancy of their third child each, I was a little jealous.

On the flip-side, I love my mobility. Kevin and I are able to go and do whatever we want without worrying about childcare for the afternoon. Or whether we packed enough diapers and a change of clothes. Or if we packed the swing, and the highchair, and the pack-n-play, and the tummy mat, and the diaper bag . . . just to go to my sisters house in town. We sleep in. We spend hours watching football. We go to 10:30 p.m. soccer games. We go out of town for the weekend at the last minute. It seems I am torn between wanting the next stage in life, and wanting to stay here forever. We plan to have a family (that was the point in the purchase of a four bedroom house), we just can't seem to bite the bullet. Finances are a small part of it. I have heard over and over that if you wait until you are financially stable, you'll never get there. But admit it, money is distributed differently, and currently I am not ready for it.

I have heard it from both sides of the coin. New moms tend to want you to join them on their journey of the unknown. However, I have found that if you give them a year, many advise you to hold out as long as possible. A girlfriend has a 8 month old, and though she loves her son dearly and can't imagine not having him, she admitted she can't remember what the rush was. Sometimes I feel behind; like when my 25 year old friends are pregnant with number 3. But I remind myself that I have only known my husband for three short years. We are still learning how the other reacts when pushed by certain things. This weekend was rough between the two of us. Throw a baby in the middle of all that argument and I guarantee I would be on the phone with my mother crying. I enjoy the time alone with my husband whenever I want. I love the fact we can call in sick and just bum around the house all day without a responsibility in the world.

So ultimately God is in control. I may never be able to have children on my own. And I have known plenty that have been blessed while trying to "prevent." It may be 3 months, a year, or five years before we begin our family. I am learning to rely on God's timing and enjoy the numerous blessings I have been given.

Lord, may my joy in you not be dependent on the happenings around me.